Monday, July 31, 2006

trendy on the tube. not

I suppose it’s possible to forget the presence of certain body parts. The appendix is not often thought of until it reminds us of its presence (and impending absence) with shooting pains. Nictitating membrane and eyelashes are two other things that come to mind. I mean who thinks about their eyelashes for God’s sake? (except people who don’t have them I guess).

Men and women all across the UK have made a startling discovery since the beginning of summer. Their chests. The realisation that 8 months of protecting themselves from the elements under layers of thermal vests, sweaters and last Winter’s must have military jacket has not caused them to disappear in to another dimension has had startling consequences.

Now, I can understand their joy and elation. It must be like meeting a long lost friend. Make that two of them. Let’s imagine an emotional reunion with two of your best friends after 8 lonely, cold months. How would you react? You would whoop for joy! You would hug them and never let them go. (Remember not to do this to other people’s friends) and after that you would want to show them off to the world. You would say ‘Look! I too have friends. Two of them!’.

For the last 6 weeks I have had the privilege of meeting many people’s friends. Male and female. Young and old. Perky friends and down in the dumps friends. Friends basically in all shapes and sizes. (If you haven’t gotten it yet I’m talking about breasts people)

Now I’m no prude. I think everyone should be allowed to express themselves in a way that well – expresses themselves. Whether it’s through pickling giant sharks and passing it off as art (freak alert) or taking your puppies out for a walk in the sunshine. Who am I to pass judgement?

The Brits are a funny bunch (and not just because they call underwear ‘pants’). After spending all winter whinging about the cold and rain and waiting for a ray of sunshine all through the damp days of Spring, they aren’t very enthusiastic about summer once it actually gets here. Kind of like guests coming to stay with you – you think it’s going to be so nice, and then on the second morning of having to listen to someone sing chamiya songs in the shower you can’t wait for them to be gone. The Brits share a similar relationship to Summer. A couple of days of 30 plus degree weather and they realise how ill equipped they are to handle the heat. And then they head off to Malta or Rhodes where it’s even hotter for a few weeks. If you can figure that one out, please mail me and let me know.

The ones that don’t go anywhere for summer, decide to bring their vacation to them. (Similar to the mountain and Mohammed story). This means Daisy Duke shorts, bikini tops masquerading as tops, see through skirts, Rastafarian braids and all out bare chestedness if you’re a man. I don’t know which is worse. Ageing breasts that look like weathered handbags, suffering from a memory lapse as they obviously can’t remember how to get in to a bra. Or hairy, beer bellies hanging over denim waistbands covered in tattoos. Somebody stop the madness. Travelling by tube is bad enough in the summer without having to spend 2 hours with someone’s butt crack staring at you.

If winter is the only way to get these people to cover up I’m all for it. I never thought I’d say it but I cannot wait for the temperatures to drop. The 60 year old bald man in satin shorts, sweat and nothing else striding down platform 7 at Kings Cross today morning was the last straw.

24 comments:

Nee said...

Hah, you tell 'em sister! How exactly did he think satin would help on a day like this?
Incidentally...pickled sharks? What goes on in that head of yours?!!

sunshine said...

great post!!!

and btw.. if someone can figure out "And then they head off to Malta or Rhodes where it’s even hotter for a few weeks."

plz email me as well.. :)

Ravages said...

ROTFL all through the post! Awesome!

ggop said...

Shoefiend,
Is the pickled shark in the Saatchi gallery? I think I saw it there.

Oh I can so relate to your post. I read a man ranting on Cragslist on his daughter's low rise jeans and how he didn't want to see their butt cracks either. Sorry to add to the grossness :-)

gg

WA said...

:)))))))))) Great post Shoefie

Perspective Inc. said...

LOL

Sakshi said...

I would say that this 'phenomena' is not just restricted to the English people but is a common reality among the Australians as well.

The hottest day in Sydney and you have majority of the work force semi-nude on the beach rather than fully clothed sitting at work.

the wannabe indian punkster said...

lovely shoefiend, but alas you forgot to mention the all pervasive muffin top.

Why do people think that the onset of summer is a good excuse to wear clothes which are several sizes too small?

The horror I tell you.

venkat said...

hehe..but I find the Brits poorly dressed at all times..

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

Nee - For you http://artchive.com/artchive/H/hirst.html

Sunshine - Thanks. I will share any information I have!

Ravages - Thanks saar.

Ggop - It was at The Saatchi Gallery... don't know if it's still there. Poor dad.

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

WA, Perspective inc :D

Sakshi - Atleast they're at the beach! i have a sneaky feeling these people go to work dressed this way. In fact a friend of mine who works for a bank says that at the beginning of summer an email is sent out to all staff reminded them to dress 'appropriately' and inspite of that the cami's and denim minis still come out!

Punkster! Aaargh! You're right! Muffin tops and quadra boobs are the worst.

Venkat - How can you say that? Camilla wears such lovely hats!

... said...

Hehehe...you gotto love the butt crack, woman!!

venkat said...

I am not in touch with the latest in Royal fashion, so forgive me! btw, something tells me you will love this

Arnold said...

href="http://fairmaidenintrouble.blogspot.com/2006/07/why-i-laugh-when-i-dine-out.html

SID said...

Hey amazing insights into people's chests.
But I guess someone in the blair govt. also read this post cos they are introducing a new bill which will make it illegal for men to remove their shirts off in public.
I dunno wat the bill says about women tho!!!

Incognito said...

Super post!
Loved that summer bit about Brits running here and there.

And sexy blog layout.
Can you tell me how I could do mine.

Nee said...

Ugh!
1) am glad it wasn't something directly from your imagination :-)
2) think I shall remain immune to/possibly repulsed by so called modern art.

Jeet said...

Some people just dont know what to cover and what to show. After reading the "ageing breast" bit, I threw up a little.
on another note, pretty girls with frilly skirts are always welcome.

Nice blog!

Sachita(india) said...

Funny post. I am new to your comments section but I have been reading your blog for quite sometime. Needless to say I love your writing style.

Btw appealing to your aesthitics and their comfort, I think the brits choose the later.

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

Keya - Why? Why? Why?

Venkat - I've been a fan of those two women for a while now. They're evil as hell but boy are they funny

Arnold - I'll read the link soon.

Sid - I haven't heard about this bill, but the more beer guts hidden the better. And thanks!

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

Incognito - Thanks. You can get fun blog templates at isnaini.com -the links on my side bar. He's got a full set of instructions there with each template.

Nee - I'm glad I've cleared my name as a shark pickling artist.

Jeet - Always pleased to make people barf.


Sachita - Thanks. I know - selfish bastards aren't they?

Raj said...

LOL. "Weathered handbags" for God's sake!

MumbaiGirl said...

The weathered handbags are often the colour of boiled lobsters.

Sunrayz said...

Have been here many times. Finally decided to comment :)
I ABSOLUTELY loved this post. I have been having similar thoughts as well, these last few days.You've put it words so precisely!