Wednesday, January 31, 2007


The day after her 9th birthday, her father told her she was going to have a brother or sister soon. She was a big girl now; she had to help Amma he said. She shouldn’t ask to be fed and carried. She would have to share things with the new baby. She nodded in agreement, kissed them goodnight and went to her bedroom. On the bed lay the largesse of her friends and family. That night as her parents and unborn sibling slept in their bedroom she tiptoed downstairs dragging a bin bag bulging with Barbies and red shiny balls in one hand and a plastic spade in the other. She silently opened the door to the garden and got to work.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

I wish I lived here

Winter and a bit of a writer's block seems to have set in. Well that's my excuse for not writing anyway. Till things thaw, here's a wonderful series by American cartoonist, Chris Ware that's been appearing in The Independent called Building Stories. Read this too.


Friday, January 19, 2007

kiss kiss

Today's headlines

Jade and Danielle apologised to Shilpa Madam for among other things calling her Shilpa Poppadom and smirking and laughing at her. Big Biraather porducers deny staging the apology, though Lloyd and Goody were prompted in the diary room about what they thought of their actions.

Carphone Warehouse has pulled out of their sponsorship deal with Big Brother production company Endemol, believed to be a front for the Universal Society of Keralite Togetherness.

Periya Annachi (as the show will be called when it is dubbed and released in Tamil Nadu for the pleasure of Tamizh's who have calmed down over the inflamatory statements of Germaine Greer after she changed her name to Germaine Sokkathangam Greer) has promised to donate the proceeds of tonight's eviction phone vote (an estimated £3million) to the charity Celeb Victims of Big Brother Fallout.

Gordon Brown, serial frowner and Prime Minister in the wings of Great Britain today urged Britons to vote for Shilpa Shetty, claiming that a vote for Shetty was a vote for Britain. The Chancellor obviously does watch Celebrity Big Brother as voting for Shetty would result in her eviction.

Shetty has retracted a statment made earlier that she felt the bullying was racial in nature.

The London Paper, so enthused by Madam Shetty had a double page spread in today's edition where prominent Bollywood stars were compared to various Hollywood leading ladies. Rani Mukherjee was likened to Nicole Kidman, Kajol to Julia Roberts, Kareena Kapoor to Drew Barrymore, Priyanka Chopra to Cameron Diaz, Preity Zinta to Renee Zellweger, Aishwarya Rai to Angeline Jolie and last but not least Shilpa Shetty to Sandra Bullock. Why have these similarities never been apparent before?

Oh and then this.

Thursday, January 18, 2007


She lies wrapped in a 200 thread count cotton cocoon. Warm and unwilling to emerge, she turns over to stare out the window. Rain drops cling to the pane like transparent pearls, trembling as the howling wind and police sirens swirl together. Like operatic valkyries they swoop down and carry away the recently deceased silence.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Big Bully?

So are the Terrible Trio (as Jade, Danielle and Jo are being referred to) being racist? Should Channel 4 evict them? Should Big Brother intervene and have a ‘chat’ with them in the eye blinding gold Diary Room?

Having watched a bit of Big Brother this season (more than I will publicly admit to) I will say one thing of the goings on in the house these last few days – it’s disturbing. Would I call it bullying? Is that a preposterous word to use to describe the behaviour of three grown women? Maybe. Maybe not. When three children get together on a school playground and target another child with name calling and whispering, we’d call it bullying wouldn’t we? So far, Shilpa has been called a dog, allegedly been called a Paki (though some say, No no she was just called a cunt. Like that’s any better) and a nightmare.

We can’t expect to get along with everyone. And it’s especially hard when the person on the other side is from a culture you can’t relate to and aren’t making an effort to understand. There are people we like and others we don’t. But when you’re an adult (though I realise it’s quite a stretch to apply that term to Jade) you are expected to know how to deal with the people you don’t like. You do not tell them that they make your skin crawl. So might say they’re all just being honest. Isn’t that better than being two faced and air kissing one minute and sharpening your knife the next? Frankly it isn’t. I’d rather be ignored than be attacked by the likes of Jade Goody.

I can see how Shilpa Shetty might annoy some of the house mates. She tries to be in charge of most things – the kitchen, the shopping etc. But she probably thought to herself, “If I leave things to this lot we’ll all starve to death.”

On the allegations of racism.While they’re definitely being ignorant, stupid and mean, the fact that the person on the receiving end of all this is brown adds a racial undertone to the entire thing. As someone on the news said today ‘If they were making fun of a French girl’s accent they wouldn’t call that racist would they?’

At the end of the day, it's unlikely Channel Four will do much about the whole thing other than make a few cliched 'statements'. They've got exactly what they wanted. After three stars walked out of the show, the whole thing looked like it was going to go belly up. The controversy has given them just what they wanted. Better ratings.

(Note 1:I do think it’s amusing that the girls call Shilpa a fake when the three of them put together have enough surgically enhanced body parts to create a new person.)

(Note 2:Yesterday, Jade repeatedly shrieked that Shilpa was a liar and a fake. Our Shetty replied with a toss of hair 'You're only claim to fame is this show. What does that say?' Ah the joy of television!)

(Note3: This just in from 30in2005.)

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

it just gets better and better

Those of you who thought Jade Goody couldn't possibly sound sillier obviously missed out on last night's show. Big Brother asked contestants to pose a question they had always wanted to know the answer to. Jade wanted to know about eskimos. In particular, how it was possible 'they weren't icy cubes, y'know coz the wither n'all. And 'ow they tok to one nother. Is like dolphins communicate? Do they go mewmewmew to one nother or sumthink?'

Jack her expressionless lump of a mate asked why men had nipples. When big brother answered the question he sat their slouched in the chair with his trademark expression (ie expressionless) and said 'woz any that in English?'

In Shetty news, things get better and better. As the current object of hate for Jade and hair tweaking freak Danielle, Shilpa has emerged as a real, normal person who knows when to fight for herself and when to let others do the talking and look stupid. Inspite of being called a dog and 'just a cook' by certain po face idiots, she's managed to not stoop to their level and retaliate. There by capturing the hearts of television audiences everywhere. Your former display of stupidity regarding Kannadigas and Hindu Feng Shui is forgiven Shetty. Go forth and toss those auburn locks!
This is what Mama Shetty has to say about how her daughter is being treated. (Link via Ammani, who rightly calls it a gripping human drama of epic proportions!!

Monday, January 15, 2007

Retro pick!

I don't know what I love more: the lyrics, the outfit or the accompanying dancer's boots! Enjoy!

(Thanks to s, for the link!)

Sunday, January 14, 2007

in today's paper

The latest entry in my London Diary and something that will no doubt leave me friendless.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Wisdom from the house

A-Team wisdom courtesy Dirk Benedict

"The secret to life is saying goodbye."

I wonder what Mr. T would say?

Thursday, January 11, 2007

home sweet home

So the one armed lesbian has been kicked out of the house. If you ask me they should have voted out Jade's boyfriend who doesn't seem to be doing much. (Though he did try to control Jade by telling her her Ma would be alright as she had 'invented' Jade. Yes, Jade Goody does appear to be a scientific experiment gone wrong)

But fear not, Shoopa will have someone to fight with. Danielle (famous for having her Miss. Great Britain title revoked when it was discovered she had slept with a judge) whispered to blondie singer Jo that she thought Shilpa was 'controlling' and that she 'din't like 'er'.

Shoolpa was called a nightmare by one armed lesbian Jackie before she left and spent the rest of the evening under a duvet with her sunglasses on. She has also admitted that she found Dirk sexy and went 'ewww' when someone suggested that Jackie was sexually jealous of her. There goes your one armed lesbian vote bank girl. Tsk tsk. Our girl reportedly described herself as India's Angelina Jolie before entering the house. And I'm George Clooney's wife. Desi Jolie complained to Big Brother that it was cruel to not let her wear any make-up. I'm calling Amnesty right now to report this violation of Bollywood actress rights.

Over and out.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I ask, you write 15

She was born in 1940. The second of five children born to Vedaranyam Seshadri and Rajalakshmi ammal. She passed away after a brief illness in November 2006. How will Jagada be remembered?
Sumathi looked around the room. Who were these people? Why had they all come to mourn Amma’s passing? She wasn’t a gregarious person. She didn’t have many friends. She hardly kept in touch with relatives. And yet, dozens of people had turned up to condole her family. There was so much she didn’t know about Amma, Sumathi realised with a twinge of guilt and regret. Her eyes searched the room for the family solicitor. No point in delaying the inevitable.

Srinivasan mama looked around the house spilling over with people. ‘This should all be mine’ he thought savagely. Appa and his silly ‘Jagada should be given the house now that her husband is no more.’

Akhila stared at her sister’s picture on the wall. Rather, she stared at the four thick strands of gold that went round Jagada’s lined neck, gathered with an ornate ruby clasp at one end. Amma had always meant to give her that. She was sure of it. How had it fallen in to her sister’s greedy hands?

Ashok sighed. He was tired. Tired of the half-hearted ‘I’m so sorry’ everyone said. Tired of the priests and their incessant chanting. Tired of his wife’s nagging. Couldn’t the woman wait? How would it look if they went and asked for the will to be read before his brothers and sisters had even broached the subject? He had always been Jagada’s favourite. Of course she would remember him. Wouldn’t she?

Saroja from Dindivanam wondered what had become of her cousins antique brass lamps. Shekhar her nephew hoped they had not thrown away his Mami’s collection of books. Priya wondered how many carats her mother-in-laws diamond earrings were.


Lakshmi wiped away another tear. How she would miss Jagada Amma. She had always been so kind to her. Never treated her like a servant. They had coffee together, lunched together and even watched Selvi every evening together. Lakshmi fanned herself with the pleated palm leaf visiri. It had belonged to Jagada Amma. May her soul rest in peace.

Monday, January 08, 2007

in the mad house

At the behest of Witchy, an update on what's happening in the house.

1. Blonde haired (apparent) rock singer Donny (or is it Danny) Tourette has jumped over the wall and escaped the house because he didn't want to serve Jade Goody and her family.

2. Ken Russell, ageing film director and super loud snorer has also left, post fighting with Jade and her wonderfully weird Ma Jackie over cheese and biscuits or some other matter of great importance.

3. Jackie Goody and Shilpa have had words! I was worried that Shilpa would induce herself and millions of television viewers in to a coma with her boringness. But Ms Shetty showed all signs of being alive by asking Jackie to call her by her name and not Princess. Since then, Jackie has been calling Shilpa the following: Shoopa, Shipa, Shulpa, Nss and OI (my favourite!)

4. Jade Goody is horrified her Mother is shooting her mouth off all the time and cried to Big Brother about it. Perhaps she should watch Big Brother Season 2 again.

5. Jade asked Germaine Jackson: a) If the reason Michael kept changing his appearance was because of psychological or mental problems. b) If Michael was bankcrupt and c) if Germaine was proper full black or half.

6. Shilpa has claimed that she never speaks from her head. Only from her heart. Which is good. Poor dear might try the former and realise she hasn't got much up there. She also claims to have never fought with anyone in her life and that it's awful she's come all the way to the UK and done it on national telly. Tsk stk. So hard this fame stuff. She also told other housemates that Kannadiga was a religion like Islam or Christianity and that Hinduism was made up of lots of religions like Kannadiga. And people say television can't be used to educate.

That's about all I can manage for today. Over and out.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

me, myself and shoes

I have been tagged! And seeing that the New Year is but three days old, why be a curmudgeon and refuse?

So here are five things you didn't know about me:

1. When jaywalking I'm always on the left or right of someone else. That way, should a car/truck/malfunctioning wheelchair come flying out of no where someone else will get run over first and I'll have enough time to escape. (Patent pending)

2. I have to read before going to sleep. Even if I get home at 4:00 am (something that happens less and less as I advance in age) I have to read for at least 10 minutes before I shut my eyes.

3. My first crush was a Canadian boy called D.J. I was six. And very chubby.

4. One our first date, my (now)husband and I went to an Italian restaurant. He had some soup and I ate an entire 12 inch pizza. How he still wanted to get married after that is beyond me.

5. When in doubt, I call my Mother.

So there you have it. Useless information about myself. I tag no one at the risk of incurring the wrath of the tag God. Plus, witchy tagged pretty much everyone I know.

Monday, January 01, 2007

100 words to begin the year

This year she will lose the flab on her thighs, stomach and arms. Ass too. She will drink less and exercise more. She will repeat her affirmations everyday. ‘I love you’. Twenty times. In front of the mirror. (That’s not silly is it?) War & Peace, Ulysses and Tin Drum will actually be read. She will stop lying about her age. And dyeing her hair. She will stop swearing. Unless the situation calls for it. She will be a shiny, brand new person. Unblemished. Like the new calendar that hangs on the kitchen wall. Until the second of January anyway.