Monday, September 12, 2005

When you're detoxing each aroma inhaled assaults the senses like one of Govinda's yellow and purple outfits. After a weekend of binging on every evil known to weighing scales and hips, I vowed that every Monday would be a day devoted to cleansing my system with fresh fruit and veg. Now the wisdom of doing this on a Monday is - well there is no wisdom. I'd bought enough fresh fruit to win the Guinness book's biggest fruit cake record, and god dammit I was gonna eat some fruit.

So Monday morning dawned dull and overcast as it is want to in this part of the world. As I reached for the filter and carefully rationed Leo Coffee Powder my slumber laden eyes caught sight of this sign that my own treacherous hands had penned. 'hot water + lime + honey in the morning :)' As I fought the urge to wipe the grin off the smiley's non-existent face, I gulped down then concoction through gritted teeth. A feat that deserved a Guinness Record of it’s own if you ask me.

An hour and a banana later, my week had gotten off to a wonderful start. A headache was buzzing around me trying to wangle its way through my nose (My headphones effectively blocking out the most natural entry point). However it was as I entered the bowels of the London Underground that my half full bag of woes began to get heavier and heavier.

Chicken sandwiches began to smell alarmingly tempting. Not good for a life long vegetarian. Every coffee, latte and espresso in a 10-mile radius had my mouth watering. (There’s a poster of me up on the tube as a Dangerous Pervert who gets her jollies sniffing other people’s cappuccinos.)

I had to run to my platform to escape the call of the Danish Pastries at King’s Cross. They sat in rows, tarted up like mermaids singing out to sailors whose fate was already doomed.

I clawed my way to a seat and wedged myself between two other commuters. I regretted it immediately as I found myself surrounded by bagels, wraps and subs. I was a gladiator trapped in a calorific Coliseum. I took a big defiant bite of my apple. (Which kind of looked like a donut at the time)

The rest of the day passed by in a blur of pears, seedless grapes and caffeine free coffee. I’m ashamed to admit it, but every time I felt a salt craving I sucked my thumb (Now my colleagues think I have suppressed childhood traumas that are manifesting through finger sucking and the Telitubbies screensaver on my computer)

So here are my top tips for detoxing:
1) Lots of fresh fruit and veggies
2) Drink enough water to have to pee every half hour
3) Use your imagination! If you’re really creative you can make a cucumber look like a Frankie 4) Distract yourself when your feeling hungry. If you tear your hair out trying to Sudoku your hunger will seem trifling compared to a bald patch

Now excuse me while I stock up on some chocolate flavoured lip balm.

23 comments:

TomCruiseChellum said...

Great stuff. This line below was the top of the charts kind of stuff

I was a gladiator trapped in a calorific Coliseum.

ammani said...

Hilarious! Gladiator, eh? LOL!

Charukesi said...

"make a cucumber look like a frankie"
the ad person inside you speaketh :)

bet you were just looking for one more reason to hate monday.

Jane Sunshine said...

Sending you wishes for courage in the face of the calorific coliseum. Be strong.

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

tc - thanks! grazie! merci!

ammani - my valiant fight against the bulge makes u laugh? :P

charu - u'r right! it was a calculate move on my part. join my ban monday's petition at mondaysarethespawnofthedevil.com

sunshine - thank you! i'll remember you in my er Miss World Acceptance speech

gawker said...

Whats detoxing? Is it what we call here nursing a hangover?

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

gawker - hangovers require copious coffee drinking! a detox is preferably caffeine free and is meant to cleanse the body of toxic matter. however one does have an urge to drink at the end of a detox

Sunil said...

Now excuse me while I stock up on some chocolate flavoured lip balm.

Damn! They even invented that?! One never ceases to wonder.

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

sunil - and in mango, papaya, blueberry, strawberry and anything else you can eat! Salt and Vinegar chips lip balm anyone?

Falstaff said...

:-). Nice.

Am reminded of a Wodehouse short story called The Juice of an Orange, where the de-tox diet consists of:

Breakfast: The juice of an orange
Lunch: The juice of an orange
Dinner: The juice of (wait for it) an Orange!

Ash said...

Lol !

talking about chocolate lip balm ... I was at a beauty store the other day and actually saw chocolate/ strawberry icecream flavoured bod wash, lotion etc .... wierd, hunh ? Although my bf's eyes did light up when I mentioned it to him *grin*

meditativerose said...

I feel your pain ... but find it hard to believe that anything can be worth giving up coffee for ... and chocolate - wel, you might as come right out and ask for my first born :(

alpha said...

I was a gladiator trapped in a calorific Coliseum.- loved the line...apart from feeling sorry and all..

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

ash - i've seen that stuff too, but the fear that i may start knawing myself prevents me from buying any of them

meditative rose - after monday i've realised that too - NOTHING IS WORTH GIVING UP COFFEE

alpha - your concern is touching :P

Srin said...

That's actually a very good idea,the detox day.

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