Wednesday, October 19, 2005

ho ho ho

It's that time of the year again! When you leave home for work in the dark and return in the dark. The nip in the air is more like a giant piranha bite and as usual the heating has conked out and the gas company is pretending not to understand what you are trying to tell them. But who cares about all of that when there's Christmas shopping to be done? Tis the season to be jolly and fill up that shopping trolley!

You better not leave your shopping to the last minute this year! Remember what happened last Christmas when you gave your wife that air purifier - we know it still hurts when you pee. Why not try and dull the pain by at our absolutely fantabulous shopping centre. It's just like all the other shopping centres in the country - but better. Why? Because we say so.

Ladies, if you're looking for the perfect party dress we recommend the latest look of the season inspired by Hitchcock heroines - like Tippy Hendren in Birds. Pencil skirts, sharp jackets and perfect coiffures are all the rage. And to be really authentic, douse a bit of rodent blood on yourself and stand in an aviary. You'll be the envy of all your friends.

Men, we know how you love gadgets. How about a new cell phone as a Christmas treat to yourself? You can listen to music, download films, take and store pictures, download crazy ring tones, check the weather and news and even have simulated sex. We're not entirely sure you can actually make phone calls with it though.

Your kids are probably already writing their wish lists to Santa! Don't dissappoint little Mary Sue. Buy her a crying, smiling, laughing, bed wetting, totally life like doll - Pammy. It'll be great training for when she gets pregnant and has a real baby at 13. And little Tommy... what an angel. We have the perfect stocking filler for him - The dummies guide to being a yob and getting an ASBO. There's everything he needs to know about kicking people's heads in, robbing the elderly and setting fire to the neighbours car in it. And it will encourage him to read.

There are loads of other great buys for the family. Adult diapers for your ol' Mum who's in a home because you can't be bothered to look after her. A silver frame for that fab picture of yourself after the face and boob lift to send to your slag of a sister. A learn English in 10 days to give to the secret lover you have in Turkey who's 10 years younger than you are and can't understand a word you say.

All this and much more awaits you at our truly wonderful mall. Plus there are lights and decorations up that are contributing to the green house effect and could cause another hurricane soon. But who cares?We would have made all our profits by then and will be living in hurricane proof houses while you drown and die with all the crap you bought at our centre.

So come soon and avoid the rush! Credit card debt is waiting to embrace you. You're already spoilt children are waiting to become even more insufferable. Another excuse to get drunk and vomit all over yourself is here. Not that you need one.

And after it's all over. and post holiday blues set in - THE JANUARY SALES will be here. But that's in another brochure.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND DON'T FORGET YOUR CREDIT CARD.

27 comments:

Shyam said...

Cynical to the core, but I SOOOO love this post, Shoefiend! :) It's exactly my view of Christmas-time!

Leela said...

I've always wanted to write a brochure like that. Since 'no one reads body copy' I figure one could actually pull it off!

Nice blog, btw. :)

TomCruiseChellum said...

"""Ladies, if you're looking for the perfect party dress we recommend the latest look of the season inspired by Hitchcock heroines - like Tippy Hendren in Birds. Pencil skirts, sharp jackets and perfect coiffures are all the rage. And to be really authentic, douse a bit of rodent blood on yourself and stand in an aviary. You'll be the envy of all your friends.""
Prescription for Leptospirosis and Avain flu rolled into one!
Ladies you are warned.

MumbaiGirl said...

Heh heh. Perfect.

Doggeroo said...

This is very depressing. I dont think I can shop this Christmas.
Pooh to you.

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

I have written 3 Christmas mailers, 20 christmas radio scripts and 10 christmas tv commercials. And have been told that there are another 10 clients to do the same for. I think my outburst is justified

Falstaff said...

Brilliant.

It reminded me of this amazing Tom Lehrer song:

Christmas time is here, by golly,
Disapproval would be folly.
Deck the halls with hunks of holly,
Fill the cup and don't say when.

Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens,
Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens.
Even though the prospect sickens,
Brother, here we go again.

On Christmas Day you can't get sore,
Your fellow man you must adore.
There's time to rob him all the more
The other three hundred and sixty-four.

Relations, sparing no expense, 'll
Send some useless old utensil,
Or a matching pen and pencil.
("Just the thing I need, how nice!")

It doesn't matter how sincere it is,
Nor how heart felt the spirit,
Sentiment will not endear it,
What's important is the price.

Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
God rest ye merry merchants,
May ye make the Yuletide pay.
Angels we have heard on high,
Tell us to go out and buy!

So, let the raucous sleighbells jingle,
Hail our dear old friend Kris Kringle,
Driving his reindeer across the sky.
Don't stand underneath when they fly by.

sana said...

You are funny.But,it looks like you try too hard to insert a funny analog for every single sentence you write.It becomes very tiring .
Of course,this is not your homework for Creative writing 101.I just wanted to say what I felt.

apu said...

very entertaining, and positively vitriolic, SF...Cheers to you!

charu said...

loved it! keep the xmas spirit going :)
(wonder if this was sana's homework for reading ability?)

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

falstaff - LOVED the song!

sana - thanks for the feedback

apu, charu - thanks :D

S said...

He he....sooo true shoefiend...great piece as usual.

keep 'em coming!

amit varma said...

Heh. Very nice.

ammani said...

Brilliant! Soaked in cynicism. I hate the brouhaha over Christmas shopping. I was shocked to see an advert on TV for a Xmas gifts catalogue in February!!
About Mary Sue...fantastic!! You're gifted.

Sridevi said...

Hi,
I love your blogs. They are really good.

Anonymous said...

OMG- that was beautiful!!!!! Amazing.. You should read Calvin and Hobbes. The same kinda sarcasm and view on things that make up life :)

Great job!
Aparna

Sonia said...

god! tell me about it. the nightmare gets worse and worse every year..why the xmas lights in the shops come in earlier and earlier each year. !

gawker said...

Ah stop picking on christmas ... its that time of year when poor people like me catch up monetarily with rich people by abstaining from gifting.

√úbermaniam said...

Sigh. Yet another copywriter.

kaaju katli said...

Hilarious! Giving you all my shoes to add to your collection :-D. Yeah, the christmas spirit!

Megha said...

Delicious! So so sooooo loved this :)

ps .. a bit late to comment. Apologies.

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