Sunday, January 22, 2006

Sharing is for Care Bears


Your wedding day. Waking up at 4am. Having 20 of your near and not particularly dear female relatives watching you get dressed - passing a critical eye over your jewellery, cup size and hair (none of which match up to that of their daughter/daughter in-law). That funny feeling in your stomach – is it nerves or that extra vadai you had last night? The fake hair gun stapled to your head. Weighed down with enough flora to enter at The Chelsea Flower Show. Jewellery. More jewellery. Still not enough. Add some more. Heavy silver anklets designed to make you take tiny shuffling steps that will pass as coyness. Ooh! Some more jewellery! The need to pee immediately after the last safety pin of your intricately tied nine yard sari has been fastened in place.

Now with all this going on is it fair to expect anyone to know exactly what wedding vows they’re agreeing to? Now I’m ok with the whole thing about fidelity, honesty, etc. But with everything going on at the wedding itself (refer paragraph 1) I said yes to sharing. And after almost four years of marriage I think it needs to be re-evaluated.

I was warned about it by well meaning friends and colleagues – “Whatever you do don’t share the duvet.” I heeded their advice for the first 2 years and a bit. But after coming to this country of sub zero temperatures I in my naiveté decided that one queen sized duvet would be so much cosier than 2 singles. In anticipation of the divine, down filled creations imminent arrival matching duvet and pillow covers were bought. What a pretty picture our bed made. Until we got in to it.

Conflicts zones are never pretty – especially when combat takes place between husband and wife. It started off a gentle tussle – honest. A tug from me reciprocated by a tug in the other direction by Beelzebub – I mean my husband. A rather substantial yank in exchange for a whack on the head. All in good fun. Until I felt the bitter cold begin to creep up my exposed calf. And war was declared.

Like most battles, ours has dragged on indefinitely with no sign of peace. Sure we call truces once in a while. Summer. Birthdays. Religious holidays. But the next night all is forgotten and the battle lines are drawn again. It’s not always violent. Psychological warfare can be just as effective. Threats and bribes work equally well too. Using toxic gases was ruled illegal in the Human Rights Convention of 2004 (unless beans had been on the dinner plate that night).

My advice to those of you taking the plunge is this. Sure - promise to be faithful, honest and loving. Heck promise to share if you have to. Share pretty sunsets, chocolate fudge sundaes – your toothbrush if you’re not hygienically inclined. But do not share a duvet. Put it in your pre-nup. Have it cast in stone. Get it tattooed on your foreheads (so much cooler than matching rings don’t you think?) Just don’t share the duvet. Learn from my experiences.

Now if you will all excuse me it’s time to go to sleep. And kick some ass.

38 comments:

Mali&Madhu said...

Given the propensity of certain people in this household to be akin to furnaces, a cry for separate duvets would be cause for warfare. I think your mantra should be: To each his/her own...duvet, unless your spouse is warmer and can be your friendly toaster-in-bed. At the risk of sounding risque, perhaps your prenup should include a good afternoon siesta in the airconditioned comfort of Connemara to decide whether separate duvets are needed.

... said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
... said...

LOL...very funny! Infact just yesterday we were having this discussion and I was telling him - "I wonder how couples can sleep in seperate comforters!" :-) I absolutely love sleeping in the same one. However, "sharing a sundae"?? Out of question!

P.s: Sorry about the deleted comment - mistake.

Nessa said...

Hiya,

This was hillarious!!

I know what you mean.. Had to share a duvet with my (ex)boyfriend when I was studying in Glasgow... always woke up with a numb behind :-( You see, no compromise on the windows opened wide either... *sigh*

Leela said...

Loved the opening para and how it relates to the rest of the post :)

shub said...

lol soooo cute! :))
and can soooooooooooooooo relate with the 1st para..havin seen 2 of my sisters n a zillion other cousins wedded off...especially the bit about false hair n wanting to pee :))
*dreading my turn* :D

Falstaff said...

:-). Brilliant. Totally empathise. Though it does sound like you're at least equally matched - I always seem to end up sharing duvets with budding imperialists, so that my natural dove-ish tendencies mean that I'm icicle cold by three in the morning. It's like joining the non-aligned movement and watching all your enemies corner aid and arms from the US.

The trick, of course, is to superheat the room to the point where you're trying to push the duvet onto each other, rather than the other way round.

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

m&m - Toasters in bed are a fire hazard - and also prone to technical glitches. Whereas a duvet is dependable and flame retardent.

keya - I don't get how people can share Sundae's either. I'm pretty territorial actually and just about stop short of peeing arond MY things

Nessa - Further proof that single duvets are the way to go!

Lee - Thanks :D

Shub - Just you wait!


Falstaff - :D Thanks. Superheating the room sounds like a good idea - but net net the result will be the same - squabbling and pushing and shoving. My better half and I seem to have found a way of expressing our inner child :D

mumbaiwallah said...

I totally agree :) We're still in the 'newly-wed' stage, but learnt early on that the way to a good nights sleep is NOT to share duvets! Learnt it the hard way, ofcourse! :)

Lovely post.

San said...

lol cute

i use to have the same fight with my sister and theres like no chance in hell i'm giving up my duvet for anyone :)

Ash said...

well well........considering that i will be getting married in a year or two and having best friends who are 30 and single, divorced or separated is more than enough to get me off marriage unless for the guy who loves me ...(i think i will get one who does)

i have been a witness to what u have said in the first para ....i have had cousins who were decked as if they were an ad for a jewellery showroom or something ....

still i have no plans to lead a single life ....

Ash ....(wait and atch i will)

Anonymous said...

:) nice post! you need to do what the americans do.....get a KING size bed with a KING size duvet. Then there's enough room for everyone and the dog!

anjali

Jane Sunshine said...

Ah, experience! Somebody should bottle it up and put it for sale. Only the marrieds know the reality of this sharing business.

VC said...

hahaha!
Just make sure it is ass you end up kicking. Some minor miscalculations.......and it's goodbye family jewels!!!:)

anantha said...

Ummm.. Reminded me of my alter-ego Ray Barone's saga!

Ash said...

LOL !

Well that's some good pre-nup advice you have there. Seriously, all you experienced folks should amke a list of these things and gift it to us at bridal showers :)

Like someone mentioned, American style king-sized duvets are probably the best solution ... or wear really really warm nightclothes.

Btw, do you and the hubby argue about settign the thermostat level ? I'm always feeling very much colder than P .. I beleive its a girl-guy thing ?

Megha said...

Suddenly now, long-distance relationships don't seem like such a bad thing :)

Lovely, as always!

MumbaiGirl said...

We have exhausting battles over the duvet every night too, but the problem is we always have to maintain some form of contact and if we're under separate duvets that may not be possible.

Arun said...

uh oh! This is our story too!

zigzackly said...

Separate bathrooms help too. Fodder for another post, perhaps?

:)

Inkblot said...

Agree- never share duvets.
Here's a tip. If he sleeps before you,switch 'em after he's warmed his up.
If you sleep before him, keep both on you,so he can't do the same.

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

mumbaiwallah - Thanks! And I wish we'd figured this out earlier too!

sangeeta - glad you had some prior experience. it's easier to whack yur sister than a loved one. Actually no - I'd fight my grandma for some duvet warmth :)

ash 1 - enjoy the non duvet sharing years while you can

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

anjali - We could have a record breaking sized duvet and we'd still fight. maybe it's something in the water...

jane sunshine (love your name!) Eau d'experience perhaps? since you came up with the idea we'll split profits 50/50

vc - shock horror as the brits say! banish such thoughts from your mind

anti - I love Ray Barone. Is your mom like his ;)

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

ash - You'll receive the first bottle of Eau D'experience - we might even do a his and hers fragrance! and no we dont fight over thermostat levels - though I know many couples who do.

megha - thanks... maybe I should package the sherpa off to outer Mongolia

mumbaigirl - 'maintain some contact' - that's so sweet!

arun - :D

zigzackly - Don't even get me started on bathrooms!

inkblot - sounds like you've had your fair share of duvet misery!

Sunil said...

hehe....good stuff this.

i'll disagree.....but will now keep quiet. My wife will probably agree with you.

Sue said...

Thank God! I started off with a King sized duvet on a Queen sized bed. No problems for the past 2 yrs.

anantha said...

Shufy: I dunno. Have ta get married to find out about that..lol.. But I'd gladly take a Pat Heaton types for a wife...

LAK said...

That's why they say---"One good turn---gets most of the duvet!"

Saki L said...

king size definitely..

IdeaSmith said...

LOL...this was witty! Will keep this in mind when I decide to tie the knot.

Sonia said...

lol!! ok, i'll keep that in mind!

Anonymous said...

best regards, nice info » » »

Anonymous said...

my BF and i just got separate duvets. now we're tussling over whether to get matching (me) or completely different (him) covers. thanks for this perfectly relevant post!

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