Sunday, September 10, 2006

while i was sleeping

Where do memories go? Not the ones we remember. Not the ones we reach for as we lie awake in the middle of the night, thirsty for a sip of old times. Not the warm, fuzzy ones or the giggly ones or the ones hurled as angry recriminations in the heat of the moment. No. Not these.

Where are the memories that time has hidden? The ones from age three to five? Days, weeks and months have vanished. I close my eyes and try to remember something from the time. Anything. A colour. A snatch of a song. A sweet I hankered after. But nothing comes to me.

I feel betrayed. By my own mind. On what basis has it rejected these memories? My memories. Who did it ask? When did it turf them out? How did it extract them? Perhaps it extended a long, slender finger in to the secret hiding places in the ridges and furrows of its own body where the memories hid. Trembling. Did it hook a yellowing, curved nail in to the shuddering, gossamer like filaments and then pull them out? All this as my head lay on a pillow. Asleep. Unaware. Unarmed. Unprepared.

I am worried now. Ten years from now will I remember today? My delight in the dogs that frisked in the park this evening. The feel of this red silk shirt against my skin. The smell of gardenias that come wafting through the window?

13 comments:

sudha said...

reminded of Tarantino's lines in Four Rooms to the Ted, the bellhop,

"Now Ted, a person's life is filled with a zillion little experiences. Some which are insignificant, have no meaning, and, you know, you forget them. Others which you remember for the rest of your natural life."

though totally different contexts.

Gauravonomics said...

I also woory about it sometimes, worry that I'm losing my memories. Since we exist in the intersection of memories and anticipation, if you lose your memories, there isn't much left anymore. It's a scary thought.

Aparna said...

All the more reason to blog about them...so that you can look back and remember them...

TomCruiseChellum said...

Yes I agree with Aparna. Write blogs or OTATs

Kusum Rohra said...

I am blessed in this matter. Somehow I don't remember the bad times, as in the details.

Like lets say if I have I had a break-up, I can't remember the bitter things he or I must have said, the days, nothing.Zilch.

But surprisingly, I remember a lot ( if not all) from good times, even from age 1, I remember my dad coming home in the afternoon for lunch, I remember me going to dad's office after my play school and drinking energy ( It was a cold drink of flavoured milk), I was 2.5 yrs then.

I remember our first house, the furniture there, and we have moved out of that house when I was just 1.

Ya ya I know I talk a lot. :( But your post had me started.

rads said...

Nice thoughts. imho, some thoughts are meant to stay with you and some feelings just to enjoy and revel in the moment. The magic is lost after the moment passes....

DoZ said...

Am being a complete geek - but have you read Franzen's essay on Alzheimer's? http://www.newyorker.com/fact/content/?010910fa_FACT1

He gives a scientific explanation for why you can't remember memories from when you were 3, and why you will or will not remember your memories of today...

apu said...

Very powerful stuff, shoefie. Kind of gave me goose pimples.

Sujatha said...

Hey Shoefie, have you checked your e-mail?

itchingtowrite said...

beautifully put

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

Sudha - I loved that movie.

Gaurav - I know.

Since we exist in the intersection of memories and anticipation - lovely way of expressing it.

Aparna, Tcc - :) But what if I forget my blog url?

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

Kusum _ You're blessed! Age 1 recollections? Wow.

Rads - :(

Doz - Many thanks for the link!

Apu, itching to write - thanks!

Dog's Best Friend said...

Doesnt it make you sad :-( I so wish I could remember more about my childhood - actually anything. My brother seems to remember so much more...aaarrgghghgh! Are the younger ones born with deficient memories?